In Rude Health Read online

  I looked at her prescription, pulled some suppositories from the shelf, and opened the box for her. She then showed me that the corners of the hard foil wrapper were sharp. I cringed when I realised that she was not removing the packaging before inserting them.

  Pharmacist, Croydon

  Well Fly

  When I was still training to be a dental assistant, this happened during one of my last practical exams. A very important exam was being graded by an observer supplemented with input from the dentist. The dentist was working on an amalgam for a filling, and I was handing him the instruments and materials as he needed them, without him having to ask. I was sweating buckets, I was so nervous. Then out of nowhere a bluebottle spirals down, and where does it land but on the tip of the patient’s tongue, seemingly stone dead, on its back, no wing twitching, nothing.

  Now, I can’t afford to make a mistake, and I’m so nervous that all I can think is, ‘What’s the proper instrument for removing a dead stuck fly from a person’s tongue?’ I had to think fast, so I look at my tray, grabbed an amalgam carrier, and pressed it into the hands of the dentist. The dentist, a terrifying professor known for his brutal marking, grunts, takes the carrier, scoops the bug up with the large end and hands it back to me, saying, ‘That was correct.’

  I couldn’t believe it.

  Dental assistant, Warrington

  Weighty Pronouncement

  A couple of years ago one of my fellow midwives was an extremely large woman called Lucy, who was so large it made you want to give up eating for her. Not only was she fat, she also had a ‘big personality’, and with that came a very blunt way of speaking. Now, usually this wasn’t a problem, as not many people argue back to someone who looks like they would happily snack on them if given the chance, but there was one incident that will always stick in my mind.

  It was once considered good practice to weigh expectant mothers every time they came in for a check-up and Lucy was always one to make comment on this. So an expectant mother comes in, looking quite normal, and Lucy takes her into a cubicle. They can only have been in there for a few minutes when we hear an almighty SLAP! and the mother-to-be shouting, ‘If I need to watch my weight, then we’d better send out a bloody search party for whoever is watching yours!’

  With this the mum-to-be storms out. Thirty seconds later, Lucy emerges and says quite calmly, ‘Who’s next, please?’ No one mentioned the perfect handprint in scarlet across her right cheek.

  Midwife, Padstow

  A Good Lay

  Last month I attended the most memorable ‘accident’ of my career. It was on a rare quiet night in A&E, when in waddles a man in his mid-thirties. I ask him the matter – though I can smell the booze a mile off – and he says it’s his birthday, and he’s been playing a drinking game. Now, whenever we hear the words ‘drinking game’ uttered by someone in A&E we know it isn’t going to be pretty. It turned out that the final forfeit was the insertion of a carton of six eggs up the arse, and this poor sod had lost, and was now overcome with worry that they might smash inside him before he could lay them to rest, as it were. We got them out all right, and presented them back to him in an egg box to take home. Things like that that make A&E worth it.

  A&E Consultant, Edinburgh

  Seed Potato

  I never thought this was even possible until I saw it with my own eyes. A woman came into my GP surgery complaining that there were vines growing out of her vagina. I examined her, and she certainly wasn’t wrong – there was a stalk of about six inches protruding from it. Further examination revealed a potato, which was the source of the problem (sprouting as they do in warm, moist and dark environments). We never did find out just why it had been put in there, and for how long it had... germinated.

  Doctor, Essex

  Concrete Thinking

  A fool came clumping in with one foot in a bucket. It turned out he was a self-proclaimed ‘artist’, and for his art he’d decided that he would like to make a cast of said foot. So he’d got a square plastic bucket, filled it with concrete, and plopped his foot straight in, sitting down in a chair, waiting for the concrete to harden enough for the cast to be made. He watched telly for several hours, ate some snacks and then, bored, worked his way through a half bottle of whisky. Waking more than half a day later, the penny finally dropped that he wouldn’t have any way to get his foot out of the cement, which was now almost completely hard.

  We had to anaesthetise him and then get the bloody fire brigade to break the cement off; and let me tell you, the force needed to break cement is more than enough to break bones. The post-op x-ray was quite something to behold.

  Orthopaedic Surgeon, London

  Full of Beans

  A woman brings in her two-year-old grandson, completely distraught, and tells us that she was getting ready to give him a bath when she noticed that ‘his belly button was falling off!’ Now, this seemed like quite the emergency, but in fact the boy had a baked bean stuffed in his belly button.

  Nurse, Birkenhead

  Stuck on Repeat

  A man was brought in with a bad case of concussion, which had resulted in extreme short-term memory loss. I’d walk into the room and tell him he had a concussion and he’d explain he had one when he was a kid. This was repeated every time I walked into the room. After about 10 times of doing this, I walked in and told him he had a concussion and he’d had one before when he was a kid.

  Mind blown. Priceless.

  Consultant neurologist, Glasgow

  Frank Exchange

  Me: Hello, my name is Frank and I’m the duty doctor tonight.

  Patient: Hi Frank, I’m a junkie and I’m off my fucking head.

  It doesn’t get much better than that.

  A&E Registrar, Brighton

  Love Buzz

  We had a young lady in recently with a trapped foreign body. A sex toy, it turns out. This little exchange occurred during examination:

  Patient: Can you feel where it is?

  Me: Yes.

  Patient: Can you pull it out?

  Me: I don’t think so; we’ll have to take you into theatre, I’m afraid.

  Patient: Before we go there, any chance you can please SWITCH IT OFF!

  Obstetrics & Gynaecology Registrar, London

  Rash Behaviour

  A woman came into A&E worried because her legs had taken on a bluish tinge. Upon examination it was a case of newjeansitis.

  Doctor, Swansea

  Early Bird

  At 8am one morning, a man rushes into our surgery, carrying a small Tupperware box. He comes up to me at the counter and says, ‘I’ve just passed a worm – it was floating in the loo after I went this morning. Here, I captured it and brought it with me.’

  He smacks the box down on the countertop. It is filled with slightly off-coloured water, and there is a stringy black thing floating about in it. I’m about to get him signed in, but something about the ‘worm’ makes me look closer. It was a hairband.

  Receptionist, Newcastle

  Just Say No

  So a patient was admitted to A&E on a stretcher following an overdose of painkillers after being dumped by his partner. After he had been stabilised, I was called to assess his mental state. I asked if he had taken anything else other than painkillers.

  He replied ‘Yes, cannabis and cocaine, but I DON’T DO HARD DRUGS!!’ I love humanity.

  Psychiatry Registrar, London

  Running Gag

  Man comes in with a bad case of gastroenteritis, and by bad I mean terrible – he was leaking profusely from his arse, dehydrated, in incipient circulatory shock and a state of near-constant retching. In the process of securing the diagnosis, I asked him if he’d been travelling overseas recently or eaten anything off or odd. This is what he told me:

  ‘Well, I was at a brothel last night and I may have swallowed some water in the communal spa they have there, would that count?’

  And I had to treat this guy.

  Doctor, Edinburgh
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  Fowl Play

  I’m working one of my first A&E shifts after qualifying. A distraught father runs in, carrying a small boy who has a red towel wrapped around his hand, and shouts, ‘My son’s been bitten by a dog!’

  Naturally, we rush his son through, thinking we’re in traumatic amputation territory.

  In the cubicle, I gently unwrap the towel but can’t see any blood or dampness – in fact, there was only the tiniest of scratches on a finger. You’d almost need a magnifying glass to see it. I ask him what happened, and this boy, who must have been only about five years old, tells me that he was bitten by a DUCK.

  Nurse, Colchester

  Coming Up Slowly

  One of my patients comes to see me complaining of a headache from taking ecstasy. This seems pretty alarming, so I’m immediately accessing her notes with the thought to send her straight to hospital. As I’m typing, I ask when the ecstasy was taken. ‘I took a pill about two years ago,’ she replies. My typing slows. I ask if she’s had a headache since that fateful day, to which she says, ‘No, it comes and goes. I’ve noticed that if I’ve been drinking I get it really badly the next day.’ I stop typing, count to ten, and gently begin to explain to her about hangovers...

  GP, Aberdeen

  Stained Reputation

  I remember a man coming into A&E for a sore throat, and once he’d waited for three hours and I’d got him in a cubicle, he pulled out some crusty ladies’ underwear and asked me if I could check some stains for DNA, as he thought his girlfriend may have been cheating.

  Registrar, Bath

  Dying for a Ciggy

  Overheard in the waiting room of an A&E Department:

  Nurse: You seriously want to go for a smoke with a collapsed lung!?

  NO, NOT TONIGHT, SUNSHINE.

  Hospital Security Officer, Liverpool

  Small World

  We had a very drunk but lucid road trauma patient come in one Friday night, bleeding all over the place. We had a hard time examining him because he was thrashing around. He became particularly upset when my colleague began to cut off his trousers. The doctor asked him what the matter was, at which the man threw himself back on the bed, sobbing, before shouting, ‘I’ve got a really small cock!’

  We had to promise not to laugh or stare before he let us continue.

  Nurse, Portsmouth

  Shaving Face

  Last year I treated a woman suffering from some quite nasty lateral lacerations on her buttocks. She was very reticent about how she’d come by them. They didn’t require stitches, so I cleaned them up and put a dressing on; soon enough she was good to go. As she was leaving the cubicle she turned around and said, ‘Can I ask your advice on something?’ I agreed, saying I’d do my best.

  She went on to tell me how she’d been having sex in the shower, and the cuts were from a safety razor that had been sitting on a little shelf. The trouble was, she said, she didn’t know how to tell her husband. I pointed out that he’d probably noticed when she did, as there would have been quite a lot of blood. ‘That’s the problem,’ she said, ‘it wasn’t him I was shagging!’

  Nurse, Belfast

  Shit Happens

  A man comes to our surgery complaining about his bowels. Apparently his poo usually sinks, but that morning it floated, so he thinks it probably needs checking out. He’s even brought us a sample in a ziplock bag. All I can do is gaze at him in shock, before asking him to take a seat.

  GP, Wrexham

  Handy

  An interesting way to start a day of work: A man comes in to my GP surgery. I ask him what the matter is.

  Patient: ‘I can’t stop masturbating in public.’

  OK...

  GP, Cardiff

  Horsing Around

  A woman arrived at A&E with a nose that had been simply crushed and a pair of black eyes that would make a boxer wince. As I was treating her I asked her how it happened, and when I found her to be unwilling to talk about it, alarm bells began ringing that her injuries may have been a result of domestic abuse.

  I asked her outright if her partner did this to her, to which she shook her head. I pressed her, told her not to be afraid and that we had mechanisms to help, to which she exclaimed, ‘No, no, you don’t understand! I haven’t been punched – I was head-butted... by my horse.’

  It turned out she’d be trying to move said equine’s salt lick, which went down very badly and earned her a nose-to-nose jousting match.

  A&E Consultant, Perth

  My Body is a Temple

  A woman is brought in to our A&E by the paramedics having been found collapsed by the side of the road. When the urine toxicity screen comes back, it is positive for a whole host of opiates and stimulants. After a while, she begins to come round, but when I offer her a nicotine patch (since she can’t go out to smoke), she refuses, stating, ‘Oh no, I don’t take anything that might damage my skin!’

  Nurse, London

  Golden Balls

  It always amazes me how much fun people have in their golden years. An elderly male came in to the surgery with a steel cock ring stuck behind his scrotum and penis, both of which were swollen to four times their usual size (he told us with pride). I asked him how long he had been in this predicament, to which he replied, ‘Three days.’

  I asked, ‘Why didn’t you come in sooner?’ His answer: ‘I could still pee, and the wife was happy...’

  Consultant Urologist, Leicester

  Killing with Kindness

  Always beware a trained first aider.

  A group of friends are walking along a river and come across a man lying unconscious on the river bank. Most of them get on their mobile phones and call ambulances, while one of them, the Trained First Aider, leaps into action and ‘does resuscitation’. Our ambulance crew arrives to find one man sitting on the patient’s belly, thumping his chest with his fist like he’s trying to put a nail in, whilst another well-wisher pours water onto the poor bastard’s face.

  We thanked them for their efforts, naturally.

  Paramedic, Bristol

  X Marks the Cock

  A boy, about 13 years old, and his mother came into A&E, the mother having dragged the boy in because he was complaining of nasty ‘digestive’ problems. He had convinced her he was fine, but eventually he couldn’t hide the bleeding coming from his anus.

  We took him in for X-Rays and see, clear as day, a large rubber cock, maybe 13 inches in length. The thing had wedged itself inside his bowels, was pushing on the walls of his intestine and had three days’ worth of faeces piled on top of it.

  I took him into a private room and asked if there is anything he wants to tell me before they discuss specifics with his mother. I said that we had found an ‘object’ lodged in his lower intestine and that it is going to need to be removed surgically. His response: ‘Oh. I may have sat on a marker pen...’

  Poor kid, just experimenting with his sexuality. With a 13” black rubber cock.

  Surgeon, Oxford.

  Maggot Brain

  This happened a couple of years ago. Having cut my teeth in the Royal Army Medical Corps, I have been a doctor for getting on for forty years and there isn’t much that makes me queasy anymore, but I have to say, this bowled me for six.

  I now work as a GP and I was attending to a man, maybe in his thirties, who came to my minor surgery list with what looked like a particularly angry cyst on the top of his head. It was very distended and painful to the touch, so needed draining immediately.

  I embarked on the usual drainage procedure, but I’d only gone so far as to make a small incision when I saw something was not right. There was something moving in there, visible through the small cut. I made the cut a bit bigger, and there was a huge thorny maggot, writhing about. I grabbed a tube normally used for urine samples, flicked it in and then as quickly as possible sealed it in a specimen bag, as I knew it would need to be sent to pathology. The patient and I then proceeded to throw up simultaneously.

  It turn
ed out that he had been on holiday to Central America, where he must have been bitten by a type of botfly, which laid an egg under his skin. I have never been on holiday to Central America and, now, never will.

  GP, Birmingham

  Lost in Space

  A 21-stone woman came into A&E, complaining of a nasty yeast infection that she’d had for one month (which means it must have been quite the emergency...).

  In performing a vaginal examination, I found a condom stuck quite far up, which was probably the root of the problem. To say it stank would be an understatement. After I had removed the offensive object, she asked what it was.

  I told her, to which she replied, ‘Oh, so that’s where that went.’

  Registrar, Dundee

  Shit Scared

  A man came in with severe abdominal pain; turned out he had such painful haemorrhoids that he’d become too scared of the pain to crap. Apparently his last defecation had been about one month previous to him coming in. One. Whole. Month.